 Dear Parents,The other day I overheard another child say to my son “You’re lying.” My son looked truly offended and responded with “I don’t lie. Lying is wrong!” I was proud my son understood that lying was wrong and was willing to stand up to another child in defense of his belief.Developing a strong moral character in our children is important. We want our children to be good and kind and to be able to discern right from wrong. And, we want our children’s moral values to be developed through a relationship with Jesus.Our children are vulnerable to all kinds of influences. It is our duty as parents to minimize the negative influences, including our own attitudes and actions, and maximize the positive influences. We can also use the negative influences our children encounter as teachable moments. When our children overhear a ‘bad word’ in the grocery store, we can use that moment to tell them that ‘word’ isn’t nice and we shouldn’t use it.And most importantly, we can pray for God’s grace over our children. We are partners in parenting with God. He doesn’t leave us alone to raise our children. He is there every step of the way. In fact, He loves our children even more than we do.In this issue of Adventist Parenting, we are going to share tips for shaping your child’s moral character, including how you can influence your child for good and the importance of internal control. Be sure to enter this month’s giveaway for a FREE copy of this month’s featured book, Octopus Encounter by Sally Streib. Submit an “Ask the Editor” question along with your name and address to be entered into the drawing. Till next time,Nicole BattenEditor & Mom P.S. Thank you to all of you who participated in our July giveaway. Due to the overwhelming response we had, we selected three winners. The winners were Simona Abel of British Columbia, Janet Monnett of Indiana, and Darryl Spivey of
Pennsylvania; all received copies of What We Believe for Teens by Seth Pierce. |
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 Developing Your Child’s Moral CharacterYour child’s character is developing every day, with or without your involvement. If you want your child to have a character of worth, then you have to be actively involved. The first step is to introduce your children to Jesus. Nurture their relationship with God from an early age, encouraging a biblical world view and teaching them how to pray, how to study their Bible, and how to have a relationship with Jesus. Teach your children to turn to God first for wisdom and the strength to stand for what is right when they’re tempted.We must also be a strong moral example ourselves. We have to live by the same standards we hold for our children. Stop and think about how you treat others? Are you compassionate and forgiving towards your spouse? Are you patient when you wait in line at the store? Do you take time to help others? Do you lie when you’re caught speeding?It is also good to take time to discuss moral dilemmas with your child. Ask “what would you do if you found a wallet with money in it?” or “if someone called your friend a mean name, what would you do?” Your goal is to prepare your child ahead of time for tough situations and help them know how to respond. And, don’t be afraid to point your child to the Bible. The Bible contains the best and highest standard for moral and spiritual character development. Also, when disciplining your child make sure she recognizes why her behavior was wrong and knows what to do to make it right next time. Ask questions that help your child expand her ability to take another person’s perspective and understand the consequences of her behavior. Help your child reflect: “Was that the right thing to do? What should I do next time?” That way your child learns from her mistakes and grows morally. Research has shown one of the best moral-building practices is to point out the impact of the child’s behavior on the other person. Doing so enhances a child’s moral growth: (”See, you made her cry”) or highlight the victim’s feeling (”Now he feels bad”). The trick is to help your child imagine what it would be like to be in the victim’s place so she will become more sensitive to how her behavior impacts others.Jesus tells us in the Bible that the two greatest commandments are to love God and to love man-kind. You want your child’s character to reflect these two commandments—and truly, it is a love-relationship with God that allows us to have a love-relationship with others. |
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Ages 0 - 5
Taking Advantage of the Early YearsThe early years are the most influential years in a child’s life. “Gentle influence makes an incredible difference if applied early and consistently. The longer you allow your children to grow without direction, the stronger their wills become, and the more deeply ingrained their habits. Soon they reach a critical point after which changing their values and character become more difficult,” says Dr. Kay Kuzma, a child development specialist. Your greatest opportunity is in the first seven years of your child’s life.Although it is during the first three years of your child’s life that the window for teaching values and character is the widest. After three, the window is still open, but habits are forming and children are being exposed to more outside influences. With each year parents become less influential. So now is the time to start developing your child’s character!Recommended Resource: The First Seven Years by Dr. Kay Kuzma Ages 6 - 9
Teaching Children to Take Responsibility for Their BehaviorInternal control is one of the most important aspects of character development. You can be a good influence and you can teach your kids right from wrong, but if they don’t have the internal control to say no to temptation and yes to positive choices, all your work will be for nothing.That is why it is so important that your children understand they are responsible for their own thoughts, behaviors, and emotional expressions. Mom doesn’t make them angry. They choose to let Mom’s behavior aggravate them and make them angry. It is your child’s choice to allow someone to ruin their day. Don’t let your children excuse their behavior by blaming others either. This includes blaming you if they have to suffer a consequence. They could have chosen to do the right thing. And, don’t protect your children from things that are their responsibility. Dr. Kuzma says, “The earlier you allow them to make decisions that are appropriate and allow them to enjoy or suffer the resulting consequences, the more internal control they’ll develop and the more responsible they’ll become.”Recommend Resource: Parenting With Love and Logic : Teaching Children Responsibility and 10 Christian Values Every Kid Should KnowAges 10 - 14
Maintaining a Close Parental ConnectionYour influence and guidance will have more of an effect if you have maintained a positive and close relationship with your child over the years. “If your children love and respect you, enjoy being with you, and don’t want to hurt you, you’ll have a great deal of influence on the decisions they make. They’ll want to please you and will tend to accept your value system,” says Dr. Kuzma.When teens who don’t smoke, drink, take drugs, or have premarital sex are asked why, they commonly answer, “I didn’t want to hurt my parents” or “I didn’t want my parents to be disappointed in me.” That’s the kind of relationship you want to have with your teen. As your children get older, don’t let your principles on such things as clothing, music, or hairstyles become more important to you than your relationship with your children. You may get your child to stop wearing make-up or listening to different music by forcing the issue, but is it worth the damage it may do to your relationship. Remember—choose your battles wisely!Recommended Resource: Parenting to Build Character in Your Teen |
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 Title: Octopus Encounter Description: Join thirteen-year-old Susan and Eric and their Aunt Sally as they explore the
Cayman Islands. Be prepared for a captivating underwater adventure that will keep kids entertained while helping them discover their spiritual gifts and talents. In the story Susan struggles to find her place. She wonders what makes her special and unique? Does she have spiritual gifts? Ages 9-13, Paperback, 128 pages.Price: $9.99 US     |
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Question: I need ideas to help my seven-year-old not to get so upset when she doesn’t win at a game or sporting event. Thanks! LJ
Answer: Dear LJ,It can be very hard for seven-year-olds to respond well when they lose, it’s hard for all of us, but knowing how to respond gracefully when someone else has done better than you is a good life-skill—for sports, relationships, and work. Here are a few ideas that may be helpful.As parents we can model good losing skills. How do we respond when someone else does better than us at work, or when we make a mistake, or when someone pushes in front of us? We can use these as opportunities to model non-jealous, polite, and graceful behavior.We can also help our children to practice good losing skills by playing simple games with them at home. When we lose a game we have another chance to model an appropriate response. In our home we have a tradition that whenever a person wins a game, they have to give each of their fellow players a treat out of their ‘treat box’—such as a healthy snack bar, nuts, dried fruit, or candy. This helps the losers feel happy and helps the winner to be generous with the rest of the players (without whom they couldn’t have won).Also, try encouraging your children to watch sporting events on TV and to notice how the losers respond to losing—what behavior do they model? How do the winners respond to the losers? In addition, try role-playing winning and losing situations with your children to reinforce appropriate responses. This will help the words to come to mind quicker when they are distressed and disappointed. Romans 12:15 encourages us to ‘rejoice with those who rejoice.’ We need to find ways to help our children rejoice with the winners, as well as to be compassionate towards the losers.We can also help our children to reframe losing as inspiration to try harder. Every winner has to lose lots of times before they become a winner. Being a good winner is about being a good loser. Help your child create a slogan for losing well and make a poster of the slogan for their room.It can also be useful to reward appropriate losing behavior with a different kind of prize—such as a small treat. Just make sure your child sees the treat as a reward for their appropriate behavior rather than as comfort for their sadness.—Karen Holford Karen Holford has a MSc in Family Therapy and a MA in Educational and Developmental Psychology. She works as the Family and Children’s Ministries Director together with her husband, Bernie, in the South England Conference. They have three teenage children. Karen is also the author of several books, including I Miss Grandpa. Submit your question |
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